well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
