remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
