3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
