Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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