stop calling my apartment porn island.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
