Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
