woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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