Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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