Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
