Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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