this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
