Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
