i permit you to call me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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