If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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