so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
