I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
