the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize