I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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