I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The best revenge is premature balding
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize