I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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