you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
