i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
