my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
