Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
