my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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