does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I wear drunk well.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
