dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
