Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
