I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
