The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
