hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
