i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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