i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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