nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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