Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
