I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
