I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
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