So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My cat gives me a boner
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
