So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
