It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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