I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
