I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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