I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
