I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
