Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
