I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
