I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
