My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
