can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dear god my vagina.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize