I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
