Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
