Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
