Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
