I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
