Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
