watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize