i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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