I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
