CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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