I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
