Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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