I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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