Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
