You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
